This is a document recording mistakes made by men. Upon studying these errors that our fellow men have made we have decided to make this guide, the Man’s Guide to Proper Conduct. In this paper you will follow various situations in which we then guide you step by step on the mistakes made and then tell you how to rectify the situations and after further training, avoid them all together.
Chapter One: Rules On Dating, And How To Avoid It
One major mistake that men make is the assumption
that any date is a good date. If the girl is of an outlandish or unattractive
nature, then it is not a good idea to accept a date from them. Instead try to
be kind (so that rumors don’t go around about you being a jerk, thus keeping
you from more attractive dates.) but still refuse their offer. To fully understand
what we have just told you we are kindly including a situation that reflects
the lesson learned in this chapter.
Kasey was sitting at his lunch table when he noticed a certain
girl walking towards him, Betty Larson. Her fat jiggling, like Santa’s
belly as she slowly steps towards him. She quickly gets to the point “Look
Kasey you make me hot and bothered, would you like to go on with me on a date.”
Stop. Now notice that Kasey is in a predicament, let’s see how he deals
with this problem. “Hey Betty, I would love to but I can’t, its
not you it’s me. I don’t feel emotionally mature enough to handle
dating a beautiful girl like you.” Notice how Kasey followed the rule
to the dime. Take example and follow. Now for people, who have moved past the
initial stage of this strategy, feel free to add in your own bursts of creativity
and “stuff.”
Chapter Three: Pickup Lines To Use On The Girls That Aren’t Of An Outlandish Or Unattractive Nature
We prefer using more stylish pickup lines that actually work. If you are looking for “funny” approaches to ladies please turn back now. Now before we tell you the pickup lines we must teach you how to use them. But in order to most effectively show how to use them, we must first show you how not to use them. Following is a situation, pay attention. Kasey walks up to a girl and says “Urggghh ahhhh man I seem to have something in my throat, could you help me out…like with your tongue.” Now mentally try to list all that Kasey did wrong. Did you come up with 3? Read it over again and try to find all three. Find them? Try again. Try one final time, come on you can find them, look hard. If you find yourself unable to find all three then do not fret, for we ourselves, Dr. Zachary W. Hoffman & Dr. Kasey Wahl, could only find two. This next situation is the correct way to give pickup lines. Zach confidently walks up to a girl and says “Hey” the girl turns around and replies with a surprised “Hey” (now watch Zach’s follow through). “Now this may sound insane and I know this is a hopeless fight, but my friends over there”. *points to friends* “well they think I don’t have a chance of getting a date with an angel like you, want to prove them wrong?” Wow Zach what an amazing pickup line. Men, follow our brave, handsome, and smart Zach and use only good pickup lines. Don’t know which ones to use? Use the list included below
| Wow you are really pretty. | # of tries ____________ # of success
___ |
| Call me crazy, heck just call me. | # of tries ____________ # of success
___ |
| Wow, you have pretty hands. | # of tries ____________ # of success
___ |
| I’m sorry (“for what?”), for not talking to you earlier. | # of tries ____________ # of success
___ |
| During the middle of a conversation, stop talking and when the girl asks you why you have stopped talking say, “I’m sorry, I got lost in your eyes.” | # of tries ____________ # of success
___ |
Chapter 2: When To Give Up
Some guys seem to never leave. Even upon
learning that the girl hates him in every single way, these brands of guys seem
to stick around. Although we admire your persistence, it is slightly embarrassing
to the rest of the “man” world. You see, when man has been rejected
more than three times, he no longer looks brave or daring, but pitifully desperate
and pathetic. What we as men have to accept is that after the magic number of
three attempts has been depleted, chances are that the lady that we have been
“working on” most likely hates our guts or will soon hate our guts
if we were to ask one more time.
...Oh god, please don’t tell us you really need an
example. This is as simple of instructions as it can get.
...Oh fine...
Kasey asks a girl the third time, she says no…are you
happy now? You better be, or, like, yeah.
(We are sorry for the above excerpts, they are unscientific and we apologize.)
Chapter 4: Why Monkeys Are Vital To Getting Dates
Imagine in your “mind's” eye, a young, tall, handsome man walking down the pathway at the local park. Do you see chicks storming this young man? Of course you do, why? It is a known fact that women are attracted to; tall, young, and handsome men. Are you any of the following three? Of course not. So how is a short, ugly, old gnome like you suppose to get a date? The keys are pets. You’re walking down the park trail and none of the girls even notice you or if they do notice you, they are horrified by your inhumanly bad looks and smells. Now imagine you have a pet with you like a monkey or a cute little puppy dog. The chicks dig the dogs. Now you can easily strike conversation with the local park ladies by having the ultimate conversation starter - animals.
Chapter 5: How To Deal With That Strange Smell
TAKE A SHOWER YOU STUPID LITTLE GNOME!
Chapter $: What Does Having Cash Do For You?
Being poor is a clinical disease, honestly,
one out of every 5 men suffer from it. Thankfully there is a revolutionary cure
for this crippling disease. Cash. Cold hard cash.
How do we come upon this “cash” though? The key
is to work hard, work long, and be rigorous in your studies so you can come
along a better paying job but that takes to much time from actual dating, so
our advice is to follow one of the following suggestions
• Become a con-artist. Try being a phone physic or maybe
cheating someone out of a video game account that’s worth a lot of money
using your computer genius and an evil plot planned out precisely over the course
of three weeks… but that is a completely random example
• Rob a bank.
• Rob an old folks home.
• Just rob in general.
Hopefully by following one of the above suggestions (except for the old folks home one, you evil bugger) you can come by a large amount of money. Look for advice in future issues on how to avoid going to jail from your money making.
Chapter 7: What To Avoid On A Date (Assuming You Can Get One)
It happens to every guy, you’re on a date (with a girl, not your mom) and you offend your date. You can’t help it that you are insensitive. It’s not your fault, its societies. Unfortunately the ladies don’t see it that way. So what exactly offends them anyways?
• Do not burp or fart. Do not burp and fart at the same
time.
• Do not pay for the girl (some girls find it offensive).
• You must pay for the girls (some girls find it offensive if you don’t).
• Don’t buy flowers, buy candy.
• Do buy flowers, don’t buy candy.
• Say your sorry for your lack of good looks.
• DO NOT say you’re sorry for her lack of good looks.
With that basic guideline above, you can get a good idea of what to avoid on a date - being yourself.
Chapter 8: The End Of This Document
We hope that you found the above chapters enlightening and entertaining. It was a little precocious of us to even think of doing something to help our fellow man in his up hill journey of myriads of dates and myriads of girls. Remember though, every one of them is different and you should change your strategies as appropriate. Good luck, now go out there and get a date!
