| How to Shuffle Cards |
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At our weekly staff nights (nights where we play cards without paying attention, and mostly fling sunflower seeds at each other) we quickly discovered the need for a proper card shuffling technique. This need arose from the fact that everytime we played Big Boss, Little Boss, it just so worked out that one person always got all four aces and kings. We consulted a proffessional card shuffler and we were quickly told that we all retarded, and that, and I quote, "You momma so fat, she sat on rainbow and skittle pop out." After this abrasive attack on our mothers, we were forced...to turn the other cheek. (Editor's Note: A good example of this can be found in The Story Behind Random Static.) Anyways, we came up with our own technique. And if you've read this far, you are in for a treat. Smile, Kasey. |
| First, you are gonna need a deck of playing cards. Any deck'll do'ya. And also, if at all possible, it is best to have a random person to lean over your left shoulder. | 
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Grab half of the cards. Use your thumb to aid in gripping the slippery waxed deck, if at all possible. |
| Now set the half deck to the side of the deck furthest away from you. Don't forget to smile. |  |
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Lift the deck closest to you. For best results, use your hands. If your hands are a little tied up, try not to slobber on the cards. |
Place half deck down on 'd udder deck on 'd dable. Two thumbs up signals the other players that the deck has been shuffled succesfully. Smile, Kasey. I really do hope you don't lose the wife and kids in this next game of poker. I will feel very bad about putting your family to work for me as slaves, but they will go well with the house and dog I won from you last Thursday. Thanks a lot buddy. |
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